In recent months I was told I could never have children again. I went and still am going through an emotional roller coaster. But my reality is still here. I was already thinking one and done, or at least that’s what I’d tell people, but in my fairytale mind, I imagined being married and having more children for another man, in hopes of never repeating the past! Freaky I know!! And to the world I would say I’m done. I say this because being a single mother of one. Alone and on my own. Dealing with life and juggling responsibilities I never imagined I’d have, it’s incredibly hard. How could I add in more? How could I ever be in position if I had two and single? It scared me!! So I’d say when people would ask, I’m one and done. But I never lost hope till the Doctor explained in the best way she could, that I couldn’t have more.
I cried, she cried, and we laughed. See I’m single and have been for a few years. I don’t sleep around, because I’m what people call a “prude”. I am a bit picky and I don’t want everyone to have had me, without judgement towards others. I do date a lot though! Gotta kiss some frogs I guess.. So in the midst of this all reality we knew more kids wasn’t an option since she had to remove the Cancer. Happily cervical cancer free, might I add. But inside my heart broke and a dream died and now I’m left with pieces of myself worth scattered on the ground.
Scattered because for a few weeks I had a negative committee in my head telling me, no man wants a woman that can’t have more children. That no man wants a sick woman. But my positive outlook and years of therapy helped me fight that battle because I remembered I have something very special already, a beautiful boy and I was alive, I was blessed with him, see you take for granted sometimes the things right in front of your face, at least I did. I recognized that I was already blessed and would continue to be. I had been married and crossed the long term hurtles, into divorced life. I also took a moment to reflect on the men I had in the past VS the man I want for my future. Reflect being the word, because I needed to look within and re-evaluate my priorities and what I want out of this short life. I wanted to watch my son grow into a handsome gentleman, watch him get married and have children of his own. I’m not the time keeper though, God is. But I want to focus on all those positive things and self care of myself is most important.
I’ve been on this dating thing for awhile now and went out with a few jokes as I say. See that is the nice part, no ball and chain as they say, just a free little bird. I have a problem at times with this, I get all wrapped up in attention from them I forget what’s right in front of me. I think as women and men, we crave attention whether it be from our partners or from the ones we lust, or anyone at times, we want it. I can attest to this. So I loose focus and stop my own journey in life and start having expectations of relationships, and luckily I haven’t settled. I haven’t found that one.. That one that loves my quirks instead of my looks. That won’t call me hot but not very smart. Ha! That was a doozy of a guy. Someone that will except my chaos of a life. That will enjoy my intelligence. Most all men I’ve encountered want the same thing, hit it and quit it, and to make me an option. I do my best to scare them away nowadays. Some come back some don’t. So I’m learning with each experience. I mean I am a mermaid, I lure them in but they aren’t my kind…
I’ve been sulking, so attention is something a grieving soul wants but is not what I need. I’ve been through some tough ones lately, to say the least so I’m putting the breaks on that one, two or three, Oops did I say that!! I’m only gonna attract sad souls and I realize this, “Misery loves company,” as they say. I know I do at times. But I know better. I am very independent and expect a lot out of myself so I have standards that need to be met with another person and I have the will power to not accept what’s not right for my path in life. I recently had the conversation with a male date that my “rules were complicated”. No, they just are expectations of a true man. I’ve met them in person, most are already taken. But that means hope also!
I want to focus on my, growing fast, intelligent son. I get one shot and I’m gonna do my best and meet my dreams and goals, not wait for “boys to get their lives together.” As a divorced mom, I know how quickly someone can get it together and fail but also succeed. I walk that path daily, each day getting up and straightening my crown, from the day before. So excuses don’t work for me. I want an old fashioned gentleman that comes when the time is right, and right now I don’t have time for games, distractions, or self loathing of “what if’s”! I still want the occasional date to feel like a woman, all feminine and lovely. But it isn’t my priority I have time for all in that in my future. After I watch my son graduate. My time right now is filled with love of empowering women, taking care of myself inside and out, and watching my son grow up and being happy with my crazy circus. I once wanted this fairytale as I wanted perfection, both are unattainable and so that’s life. But I have the control to focus on my growth and healing and living the life I want, not chasing people who aren’t freely there to love and adorn this beautiful chaos. And that will come in time, so for now, it’s all about enjoying my alone time and being a single free bird, and watching my son spread his wings one day at a time.