Yes, that is what I ask myself these days. When I took the transition into social media and writing, I never imagined the hate that came with it. I thought my friends and family would be proud, but I received a bitter reaction from them also. I have always wanted to make others proud of me. That stems from my childhood and a part of me that hadn’t been healed till recently. That’s the nice part about healing is accepting and understanding that I am not perfect and the happiness I seek is within me.
I hold myself extremely accountable for my actions. I tend to over apologize and overly justify, which is not needed at my age. If it makes me happy and it does no harm to myself and others, why can’t I? We all want our freedom and mine just happens to be this. Being open and honest with my life, by allowing strangers to come along with me on my journey. It’s actually what makes me happy. I have always been called too much. My personality is big for my actual size. I used to want to be something I wasn’t, until I finally learned who I am and who I want to become.
I realized that taking my bubbly personality and mixing it with my background in beauty was a sure sign of happiness for me. I loved the thrill of it until, I started getting the horrible comments. I would cry at night over the things people would say about me. I didn’t understand why people would be so mean, I wasn’t doing anything other than being myself. I went into a bit of a depression and feelings of unworthiness came to the surface. Until I had therapy and was asked what makes me happy and my answer was just this, “Being Adorably Goofy, me being me.”
That’s when the light bulb clicked in my head. Those hateful comments weren’t for me, they were actually insecurities of others being pushed onto me. I starting reminding myself of that, every time I saw or heard someone talking negatively about me. The people who truly care are the ones that have accepted me as I am, and love that my personality is shining bright these days. It hasn’t been easy to say the least, but it’s been worth the happiness and the amazing opportunities.
I have lost some people along the way, but that’s because I put up boundaries that needed to be drawn. See, after thousands of hate comments, I grew a thicker skin and my humor got better. So, each day was getting easier. I still am fighting the “What did I get myself into” at times, but I can’t go back on my happiness. I won’t go back on the fact I did something most would not do. It takes bravery to stand in front of a camera and be yourself while other watch and judge. Thankfully the only thing I’m judging these days is how my editing is going.
So, after much debate and hurtful comments from friends and strangers, I’m still going to be my adorably goofy self. I’m not changing to please someone else. I am enough and that is what I say when I look into the mirror each day. I will never live up to the imaginary expectations of others and that’s just fine with me.