Ever Changing..

It’s funny to think that for years I had been writing but not really doing anything with it. I had started this Blog with no clue on what to actually write about. Looking back, it definitely isn’t perfect. I had some laughs, writing is very challenging and scary. People read your words, and they can rip you apart just for not having correct grammar, then we add in our point of view and narratives. It’s scary!! When I think about writing though, I doesn’t scare me as much as others. Maybe that’s because I know half won’t read it and the other half will be proud for expressing myself, in a healthy manner, because they understand it’s not about the perfection, it’s about passion. Passion isn’t something teachable, it’s natural and then you learn to hone in on the skills, it’s magical. It isn’t easy, actually very nerve racking to be honest but I don’t think I’m ready to give up hope, because it makes me happy.

With the Pandemic things have changed for everyone; new rules, stay at home orders, and a new way of living. There isn’t a right answer for any of it. But what I do know, is my world personally changed. I didn’t believe we were in Lockdown at first, then the emails and calls regarding my doctors appointments being rescheduled came in, to then being asked to go on medical leave because of underlying health issues that put me at high risk for Covid-19. Curveball thrown at me!!! I lived my whole life with minimal complications, and now my world has stopped, while outside the world opened up, without me. I guess with the years of trauma, I’ve learned how to survive and enjoy the little things. Being creative is also really important for controlling my anxiety, and if you don’t have it right now, let me know the secret, cause I’ve given it to God but that’s not all I have to do. I have to do some of the work too. For me writing is my obsession.

I write almost daily about the current events of the World. The chaos that we the people are dealing with on a daily basis; the hurt, the confusion, the tears, the joys, the amount of history being written. I have wrote about past adventures with people and the new ones, my own fears and goals, the new man of the hour, the amount of pressure I’m under as a single Mom to do everything and still be on my A-game. Writing has been such an outlet for me that I have now stepped out and entered writing contests. No, I’m not the best, but am I going to let that stop me? Heck No! I’ve actually made it pretty far and that just boosts the passion and the motivation to pick it up and go as far as I can. Hence why I picked back up my blog.

Because during this storm before I almost spiraled and hit rock bottom. I remembered some very important tools and that was to share my story, express myself in a healthy manner, and to remember I have the power to write my story, and edit as many times as needed. So things definitely look different on my end, I’m trying out things I would have never had time for, and I’m learning a new deeper level of myself. It’s called self-care and I’m using it, I’ve never made actual time for it before. And believe me, my job as a full-time single mom hasn’t stopped. I’ve learned so much more about my son, I was shocked at the sweet child I’m raising. I’ve really tried to focus on the core of what really matters to me and not what others will think, that might be the hardest thing I’ve had to do. I never want to be a let down, but who do I pick, letting down myself, or letting down my clients for the time being.

I, as a hairstylist, have put people before me and my health, even at the cost of time with my son. I won’t blame anyone but myself, because truly at core of my heart, I love making people look and feel beautiful and that is my job. I had to get enough strength to communicate with my clients the importance of me stepping back from behind the chair due to health concerns. I wanted to be brave, but I know I’m all my son has and I wouldn’t have doctors concerned if it was a joke. I know some were very understanding and others not so much. It hurt, because I want to please everyone, but I can’t, and it shows. What I have done is grow as a person and found my true authentic self. A journey I’ve been on for a while and am still going to be on in the future. But it’s new and it’s fun and all I’m doing is using the tools I was taught. It’s everchanging and enlightening. And a secret of mine when the World is spinning and you want it to stop, you stop and focus on the core of you and why you feel this way.

The answer for me was to stop and breathe for once, something that doesn’t come easy for me. To write my little heart out, while enjoying each moment and adventure in the ever changing World around us. I don’t know what my future holds like most of America, what I do know is I’m gonna keep on writing, learning, enjoying my son, and loving the life I’m blessed with and the people I’m surrounded by. Until it’s time for change again.

Style on a Budget

I’m gonna start of by saying, I will periodically be posting outfits that can be found at Goodwill, consignment shops, and any other amazing priced second hand fashion and style boutique. Along with tons of tips in some of my blog posts. Because as a Beauty Consultant and a Single Mother, I need to look the part for pennies, and I can share with you!

It’s been becoming one of my favorite pastimes. I mean, I don’t have the budget for full price anymore, but I still like to looked polished. Being in the beauty industry, I certainly know what the staples are and what’s the newest trend of the year is. It’s apart of the loving to feel beautiful and sharing the knowledge, so others can love themselves.

When I had my son I never knew that my clothing decisions would be last on the list. Yoga pants and tank tops for the first year. When I went back to my size the clothing didn’t seem to fit the same. My hips naturally widened. So I could go shopping and not worry about the price. I was still married and together we did good. I mean I loved finding a deal but you wouldn’t find me at a second hand store. I wasn’t humble and I’ll be the first to admit! Life was sweet, but life humbles you.

Divorce occurs and money gets very tight. Being a mom first also means putting myself last. My son comes first and foremost. I had a closet full of clothes but I had been so stressed and sick during this time, I was down to 100lbs. Nothing fit! I was working more than 40 hrs, paying huge lawyer fees and providing with no child support. I had to do something.

I was driving down the road and saw a Goodwill sign, not anything new but I thought why not stop in and see what they have. I started looking and I was impressed, name brand clothing at a fraction of the cost! From then on it’s gotten to be a habit. Every few weeks I’d stop in and look through the selection. They really do change it up and add new. I was collecting lots of very nice looking stuff. Tax season rich is the best time!!

So I had the grand idea to help women out and show them that style can be cheap! One of my favorite Fashion Icons is Iris Apfel, as she is known for being always dressed up, almost like a child during dress up time! She also expresses beauty originates within. I watched a documentary on her by Albert Maysles released in 2015 and it really explained the differences between Fashion and Style. She may seem over the top but I find her quite interesting and beautiful. At her age she should flaunt it. She teaches us to find fashion outside of the box, that fashion and style are two completely different things.

Style VS Fashion….

That’s a crazy question?!? Well the difference is, Fashion is what you see in trends. It’s reinvented trends that consumers buy, to fit in with what is socially acceptable in that year. The next year designers create a new one and consumers buy the next trend. Pretty simple.

Style is unique to its own. It’s what you personally wear, whether it be in season or not. It’s a big part of personality, and what you feel good in. It shows of your personality and beauty. Everyone has their own style. That being said, you can have fashion and style which can be created for pennies. Fashion goes in and out and back around again. How many times have we seen bell bottoms come back in Season on the shelves of clothing stores.

I’m gonna help inspire you to achieve a sense of style and grace with just pennies, because someone once said, Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. And when you can barely pay rent, you still deserve to look and feel wonderful WITHOUT breaking the bank. With a few tips and pointers, I hope to inspire women to reach within and see their inside beauty and let it shine bright On the outside, even in the midst of darkness. I sure am because I can help inspire others through our struggles, because I live the struggle.

What’s Right in Front of My Eyes

In recent months I was told I could never have children again. I went and still am going through an emotional roller coaster. But my reality is still here. I was already thinking one and done, or at least that’s what I’d tell people, but in my fairytale mind, I imagined being married and having more children for another man, in hopes of never repeating the past! Freaky I know!! And to the world I would say I’m done. I say this because being a single mother of one. Alone and on my own. Dealing with life and juggling responsibilities I never imagined I’d have, it’s incredibly hard. How could I add in more? How could I ever be in position if I had two and single? It scared me!! So I’d say when people would ask, I’m one and done. But I never lost hope till the Doctor explained in the best way she could, that I couldn’t have more.

I cried, she cried, and we laughed. See I’m single and have been for a few years. I don’t sleep around, because I’m what people call a “prude”. I am a bit picky and I don’t want everyone to have had me, without judgement towards others. I do date a lot though! Gotta kiss some frogs I guess.. So in the midst of this all reality we knew more kids wasn’t an option since she had to remove the Cancer. Happily cervical cancer free, might I add. But inside my heart broke and a dream died and now I’m left with pieces of myself worth scattered on the ground.

Scattered because for a few weeks I had a negative committee in my head telling me, no man wants a woman that can’t have more children. That no man wants a sick woman. But my positive outlook and years of therapy helped me fight that battle because I remembered I have something very special already, a beautiful boy and I was alive, I was blessed with him, see you take for granted sometimes the things right in front of your face, at least I did. I recognized that I was already blessed and would continue to be. I had been married and crossed the long term hurtles, into divorced life. I also took a moment to reflect on the men I had in the past VS the man I want for my future. Reflect being the word, because I needed to look within and re-evaluate my priorities and what I want out of this short life. I wanted to watch my son grow into a handsome gentleman, watch him get married and have children of his own. I’m not the time keeper though, God is. But I want to focus on all those positive things and self care of myself is most important.

I’ve been on this dating thing for awhile now and went out with a few jokes as I say. See that is the nice part, no ball and chain as they say, just a free little bird. I have a problem at times with this, I get all wrapped up in attention from them I forget what’s right in front of me. I think as women and men, we crave attention whether it be from our partners or from the ones we lust, or anyone at times, we want it. I can attest to this. So I loose focus and stop my own journey in life and start having expectations of relationships, and luckily I haven’t settled. I haven’t found that one.. That one that loves my quirks instead of my looks. That won’t call me hot but not very smart. Ha! That was a doozy of a guy. Someone that will except my chaos of a life. That will enjoy my intelligence. Most all men I’ve encountered want the same thing, hit it and quit it, and to make me an option. I do my best to scare them away nowadays. Some come back some don’t. So I’m learning with each experience. I mean I am a mermaid, I lure them in but they aren’t my kind…

I’ve been sulking, so attention is something a grieving soul wants but is not what I need. I’ve been through some tough ones lately, to say the least so I’m putting the breaks on that one, two or three, Oops did I say that!! I’m only gonna attract sad souls and I realize this, “Misery loves company,” as they say. I know I do at times. But I know better. I am very independent and expect a lot out of myself so I have standards that need to be met with another person and I have the will power to not accept what’s not right for my path in life. I recently had the conversation with a male date that my “rules were complicated”. No, they just are expectations of a true man. I’ve met them in person, most are already taken. But that means hope also!

I want to focus on my, growing fast, intelligent son. I get one shot and I’m gonna do my best and meet my dreams and goals, not wait for “boys to get their lives together.” As a divorced mom, I know how quickly someone can get it together and fail but also succeed. I walk that path daily, each day getting up and straightening my crown, from the day before. So excuses don’t work for me. I want an old fashioned gentleman that comes when the time is right, and right now I don’t have time for games, distractions, or self loathing of “what if’s”! I still want the occasional date to feel like a woman, all feminine and lovely. But it isn’t my priority I have time for all in that in my future. After I watch my son graduate. My time right now is filled with love of empowering women, taking care of myself inside and out, and watching my son grow up and being happy with my crazy circus. I once wanted this fairytale as I wanted perfection, both are unattainable and so that’s life. But I have the control to focus on my growth and healing and living the life I want, not chasing people who aren’t freely there to love and adorn this beautiful chaos. And that will come in time, so for now, it’s all about enjoying my alone time and being a single free bird, and watching my son spread his wings one day at a time.

Where is beauty found 

I’ve been in the beauty industry for over 10+ years now. It’s crazy to see myself doing anything else. It once started as just brushing my mother’s hair at night, into chopping all my dolls hair. I was amazed at how just doing something so tiny as a bang trim can completely change a face. Growing up, just like many teens, I felt awkward. I never felt pretty enough. My hair was never in place and Style, What’s that? But it didn’t stop me from trying. My self esteem was lacking so no matter what I felt unworthy. 

I researched numerous times on Beauty School, but just couldn’t do it. Even got a receptionist job at a salon so I could watch the magic. I finally got the nerve to go, and it was the best thing I could have done. Not only did I excel in the practical part, I was a complete geek on the book work. 

It’s a amazing feeling when you have a talent and passion and they both come together. I’m very blessed with the opportunity. It hasn’t always been easy and it isn’t always fun but it’s definitely something that warms the soul. I started out just like the rest -No freaking Clue! I couldn’t even curl my hair right. But after some time and really good teachers I got smarter and better at it. My clients where happy, I was receiving many Thank you’s, because they left the salon feeling beautiful. 

Once I got good at making people look good. My looks changed, my attitude changed and I felt outwardly pleased with my own looks. It’s amazing how looking better makes us feel better. 
After my divorce, and it happens a lot with women and men, I felt like the worst person in the world.  There wasn’t enough makeup in the World to help, No matter how beautiful my hair was,  it wasn’t making me feel worthy or beautiful. My self esteem seemed to have disappeared. -The divorce can do a doozy on your brain. I spent time reading and avoiding and overcompensating for it all. Not at all good for the mind body or soul. 

Someone I won’t name, said to me, your beauty isn’t on the outside, it’s what radiates from the inside out. It took some time to figure that one out! But I was also told that if you use your talents to help people, truly give from the heart, and make a conscious effort not to hurt anyone, that you could feel beautiful. I signed up immediately. 

I started small, going into the community and sharing my talent of hair, then making my way with giving material items that were not necessary in my life. I moved on to do whatever I could do to make an impact on the community. If I don’t,  who will?! “The change we wish to see, starts with us.” And let me say this giving isn’t about money. It’s about the feeling. No amout of money or education can make this feeling. 

After doing these things, one by one, day by day, I was feeling better. I started looking at my reflection and smiling. I even tried to wink at myself! (Not good at that) but my point is I was feeling better, looking better and realizing beauty isn’t just outward. Beauty is actually inside. It’s the feeling of beauty, not the looks. 

So after all these years I finally found out what Beauty actually was. And at that moment,  I realized, no matter what I look like, it’s how I feel. So when I can help others and go above and beyond I will, because that’s what makes me feel beautiful along with some great hair! 

This whole dating thing.. Awkward!!

I can only write as my point of view and my opinions. I know a number of great mothers that can go and have the best experiences in dating but “cough, cough” I haven’t had any of these and maybe it’s not my time. That half should be a, to-be-continued post… Anyway this is about my experiences with dating and being a mom full time. 

When I split up from my ex, I right away thought, there has to be better. I started going out and meeting all these new people, even some from the good old Highschool days. I went from party, to bar, to online dating, not finding anything interesting. Because after 10 years, the dating scene  had changed, or maybe I never knew because I married my high school sweetheart, either way things were looking scary. 

It seemed that everyone was into texting and no phone calls. I was raised that a man should always call a women first, now a days, it’s seems insulting for a guy “to do all the work”. I mean REALLY, how hard is it to pick up the phone or even text is this lazy generation. Back in the day you had to court a woman, show that you were worthy. Be a gentleman. I was amazed at how many men got offended when I wouldn’t say to them Good Morning first. Let me be real here, girls are sensitive and overthinkers. If I text you first, I will feel anxious till I hear a response. It’s amazing how our minds wonder to the worst! Ok, so back to it, I mean really?? Do you really spend so much energy on making a girl feel good?!? 

So next qualifying deference in the generation, THERE ARE NO DATES. Everyone seems to “Netfix and chill”, Oh Lordy!! Can I at least get a meal out of this and maybe a conversation?!? I mean really you want to impress me?!? Take me out!! Me going into your dark living room is the perfect setting to “get to know you” let’s be real that is the complete opposite, especially when I walk in and you’re in lounge wear, as I spent all this time making myself look and smell good. – We all know moms don’t have time for that, we have kids to attend too. We are lucky if we have more than 10 minutes in the shower, by 20 the kids have already colored half the house. Just so I can ruin it before I even know your last name!?! It seems extremely confusing, when don’t you wanna make sure you get along?!? Just jump the gun, why don’t we?!? Don’t get me wrong sex is important and great but a little Wine and Dine really isn’t that hard. 

As all this is going on, every time I try to date, I question, Am I really this old fashioned. I don’t believe I am. Can I please feel wanted?!? I believe this is the generation of laziness. Too focused on getting the goods before the work, and that goes with a lot of other things, we won’t discuss now. I tried so hard to let go of my anxiousness by drinking but I always ended up drinking till I was over the porcelain god. It to me seemed way too stressful. Even during the week focusing on, is he gonna respond, does he like me, does he think I’m a slut because I slept with him the first night? There was no time for me to fucus on me. And when I realized this, I stopped dating and started dating myself. 

These days I focus on me, so I can take care of my son,  work, friends, and family. I thought at first it was going to be lonely not having that attention, but I didn’t. In my spare time, I focused on things I enjoy. I started reading more, taking care of my skin, my nails, and doing yoga. All the things I didn’t have time for, if I focused on dating. I will be honest it hurts to loose your partner, the one you imagined forever with, I think it lowers the self esteem, makes women question their worth in the world. It did at least for me. If I work on myself, I’ll attract better quality because I’ll realize I am worth it and I will attract the gentleman for me. 

So these days I spend my time in fashion magazines, making my self feel beautiful and going out and eating that Chinese I really want and reflecting on how I can be a better mother and person when my son gets home. That is truly dating yourself and I’m really enjoying it. 

Learning self-care is a must

It’s very easy for women to loose themselves in a relationship. We are born to please others, to put others before our needs. We also feel a great amount of guilt when we take any time to pamper ourselves. But is that really fair to our authentic self? Can we actually care for others when we don’t care for ourselves? The answer is a big fat NO! We can try all day and night, but we actually are giving half of what we actually have to give. Who’s that fair to?!?

In my journey through finding my authentic self, I’ve learned that we must as women take at least 10 minutes every day to do something for ourselves, to really find out what makes us a person and not a people pleaser.

I spent many years putting people before me, whether it be my husband, my mother, my son, my friends, and my work. I just wanted to make sure everyone was happy.  I was asked one day, “What do I do that makes me happy?” I stumbled with that answer, What does make me happy? I spent days on that question, before it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was happy when I took a hot bath, when I had my nails pretty, my hair did, when I bought that shirt I had my eye on for months, but couldn’t justify why I needed it. I could go on and on about what makes me feel good. But I didn’t do any of that because, I made excuses on why I didn’t have time, I mean let’s be real, laundry needs to be done, kids need to be feed and clothed, husband needs dinner on the table and work needs that report done by the next day. What time do I actually have?!?

Well the answer is easy Make the Time! Does hubby really need dinner made everyday for him, could he possible give you a night away to have your guilty pleasures. He could easily grab a box of cereal for the kids or even order a pizza, just so you have a few extra minutes to breathe and remember you are worth it. Audrey Hepburn has a wonderful quote, “You have two hands, one to help YOURSELF and the other hand to help others” What that means is take care of yourself first and then you can help others. I’m not saying run away from home and screw all responsibilities, but I am saying take time to do anything that makes you happy and refilled with strength. When we are happy and cared for we can do even more amazing things for others and with a bit more energy at that. Feeling like a women instead of all the other hats we were as Mothers, Wives, and Daughters. Being a woman isn’t easy, we fight everyday for our rights. So it’s time we take a minute and do what makes us feel good and nurtures our soul, so we can accomplish so many more things.

When we actually do what makes us happy and healthy we are more able to help others. We can achieve more success, and we won’t be as drained at the end of the night. Our minds are stronger, our authentic self comes out and we won’t loose our personality pleasing others. So take that 10 minutes out of the day and do YOU because you are important and people need you to be whole so you can be the best version of yourself. Don’t let that guilt get to you, because we all know if Mom is happy everyone is happy. Take this as your push to remember who you are and how important it is to put yourself first. You deserve it!!