What did I get myself into?

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Yes, that is what I ask myself these days. When I took the transition into social media and writing, I never imagined the hate that came with it. I thought my friends and family would be proud, but I received a bitter reaction from them also. I have always wanted to make others proud of me. That stems from my childhood and a part of me that hadn’t been healed till recently. That’s the nice part about healing is accepting and understanding that I am not perfect and the happiness I seek is within me.  

I hold myself extremely accountable for my actions. I tend to over apologize and overly justify, which is not needed at my age. If it makes me happy and it does no harm to myself and others, why can’t I? We all want our freedom and mine just happens to be this. Being open and honest with my life, by allowing strangers to come along with me on my journey. It’s actually what makes me happy. I have always been called too much. My personality is big for my actual size. I used to want to be something I wasn’t, until I finally learned who I am and who I want to become.  

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I realized that taking my bubbly personality and mixing it with my background in beauty was a sure sign of happiness for me. I loved the thrill of it until, I started getting the horrible comments. I would cry at night over the things people would say about me. I didn’t understand why people would be so mean, I wasn’t doing anything other than being myself. I went into a bit of a depression and feelings of unworthiness came to the surface. Until I had therapy and was asked what makes me happy and my answer was just this, “Being Adorably Goofy, me being me.”

That’s when the light bulb clicked in my head. Those hateful comments weren’t for me, they were actually insecurities of others being pushed onto me. I starting reminding myself of that, every time I saw or heard someone talking negatively about me. The people who truly care are the ones that have accepted me as I am, and love that my personality is shining bright these days. It hasn’t been easy to say the least, but it’s been worth the happiness and the amazing opportunities.  

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I have lost some people along the way, but that’s because I put up boundaries that needed to be drawn. See, after thousands of hate comments, I grew a thicker skin and my humor got better. So, each day was getting easier. I still am fighting the “What did I get myself into” at times, but I can’t go back on my happiness. I won’t go back on the fact I did something most would not do. It takes bravery to stand in front of a camera and be yourself while other watch and judge. Thankfully the only thing I’m judging these days is how my editing is going.  

So, after much debate and hurtful comments from friends and strangers, I’m still going to be my adorably goofy self. I’m not changing to please someone else. I am enough and that is what I say when I look into the mirror each day. I will never live up to the imaginary expectations of others and that’s just fine with me.  

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White Picket Fence

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I never thought I’d be writing about my dating life, but I think it will help give some insight into what might help the next person and that is Self-love. Something that No-one can give you, that only you have the power to create. It’s taken me, numerous amounts of years of trying, falling, and standing back up to get to the point I feel confident enough in myself to share some stories about us, “Broken Girls”.

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I won’t accept I’m broken anymore, in fact I feel more Empowered than I ever have been. I have you shocked I know, how can she speak about being broken and empowerment in the same sentence?!? Well you have to be knocked down to know how to stand backup. I watched my son do it until he started to walk. He cried a lot but it didn’t stop him, now I can’t slow him down. That’s when I really starting learning about who I am and what I wanted my life to be. I had a two year old and I knew I couldn’t be in my marriage anymore, so I went through with a huge jump into the unknown, I was broken, I wanted to save everyone but myself, and I did. I did it at a very high cost, my sanity to say the least. Let’s backtrack on why I never saved myself.

I grew up with a crazy childhood, I relate it to the “White Picket Fence” analogy. See I grew up knowing more than kids should, saw things I would never want my son to see. We as parents, I’ve learned though, don’t always have control in that either…. Kids don’t understand that, it’s complicated. So we hide behind a White Picket Fence, we have a dysfunctional home life but a pretty white fence making us look like the Jones’s, whoever they are, I hear they are perfect. I felt the need as a kid to be a leader, a protector to my siblings, well I am one of the oldest and I wouldn’t say I was the best at it, it wasn’t my job but I took it on. I took it on till I was in high school and met this amazing guy at the time. He was older, he saw the tears in me hiding behind the smiles, heard the words, and accepted I needed to escape the life I was living and yes, that was my senior year of High School. The year everyone looks forward to college, I begged quietly for an escape from my home life. I worked and went to school, and moved out with my high school sweetheart. That cost was just trading one white fence for another.

I spent many years being who ever I needed to be to succeed. I was a people pleaser, so I worked hard, made everyone happy and lost the person I was, or thought I was. I married the man that saved me. It got tricky, see… abuse happened, and a lot of tears and joy. I had my child, that changed me forever. Reality and years of suppressed emotions made it difficult to be the best version of myself, whoever that person was. I was a very toxic person, raising a new born with a broken heart and fear. I just wanted a new life and to escape the reality of what I was living, which was a remake of my worst fears as a mother, repeating my past. It was somewhere deep inside of me needing to be free, because I knew this was my chance. I took it and ran as fast as I could with a baby.

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I can’t say it is easy or that I just got woke up one day and felt so Empowered. Actually it took me many years to find who my true authentic self is, and the only way I found her was to stop and listen to the little girl inside of me screaming and crying. She was a sad neglected little girl, and I sat with her. Her tears were flowing like rivers and all she wanted was to feel safe. I cuddled that little girl inside of me. I told her she was safe, that I was proud of her and all she had gotten through. That she had made it this far and how amazed I was going to be at the person she would grow into. Crazy right!! I know what you’re thinking, Am I talking about myself in third person? Well, yes I am, I’m talking to my inner child that needed to hear what I was telling her. She needed to finally know she was worthy of being herself. I told her that I was proud, that even though she felt alone she wasn’t, she had walked a very rough path but it was my turn to take over. The Adult me! I sat with her for a long time, listening to her sorrows and reassuring her that the past was going to stay there. That the person she was, wasn’t a scared little girl and that I needed her to accept that we made me it safely and it was time for her to go back peacefully knowing that the adult me had this. I gave my inner child a beautiful hug and watched her walk into the sea, to be let free. That day in the doctors chair changed my life FOREVER. I had a weight lifted off my shoulders. Something in me felt better, more safe and secure. That was the doctors point, he and I succeeded at helping that little girl that needed reassurance to go home.

I put my inner child to rest and starting working on who this mother was, and what she wanted her beautiful prince to see and know. I wanted him to know kindness, so I showed him kindness along with everyone I met. I want to be a woman that would represent everything feminine but strong and masculine, I do believe my prince sees that day in and day out from me. I want him to know that, the world may be ever changing but I will always be here for him, as sturdy as a rock. That beauty is only with the beholder, don’t ever worry about what others may say or think, especially if your moral compass is in the right direction. With all that I wanted to show him and am in the process of doing, I am growing into this beautiful woman with her own opinions and no fear if people don’t accept her or not. I healed that part of me, the need to want approval from strangers, when I know morally what is right from wrong. I have seen the worst so I can see the best. I stopped hiding behind the White Picket Fence. It’s in our Mindset and that is Empowerment. That is Self-Love.

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I definitely had my fair share of guys that used and abused me during my healing and I still may attract them at times, it isn’t their fault, I was seeking instead of searching in me, and I still catch myself at times. I had fun, I won’t deny that. I got to explore the dating world and all different versions of guys that would help change the view on men and what I wanted in my next relationship for myself. I knew what I could give myself without a man, so I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror one day and said, “You got this you Beautiful Child.” And I haven’t looked back.

My life has in return become more blessed, more loving, truly inspirational when I look back at where I started, to where I’m at now. I will always be on this journey, because it’s easy to get astray but with the right tools and accepting it’s time to sit down and really dig deep when I feel lost, I can achieve anything. I love myself enough to know I have the Power and I’m not broken. See “Broken Girls” aren’t actually broken, they are lost and guarded. And they actually just need to be appreciated for their beauty and who they truly are, they need to be heard. I’m smart, beautiful, goofy, with a side of Sass! I’m just a woman who loves herself enough to be a positive influence even when I know the reality of the world sucks at times. I am the beautiful creature that God created, not perfect, just an amazingly perfect human being, flaws and all. That is Self-Love, accepting the you and being able to fall and get back up and say, “That’s all you got life, cause I got a better shot than that, let me show you!”

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I hope this Empowers anyone who feels broken or doesn’t see the light of Self-Love and how you can get there. Not overnight, but in time and it will be a beautiful disaster and that’s ok, because once you get that taste you won’t settle for anything less in life, especially in yourself. So stop hiding behind that Fence and enjoy the person you truly are, it’s magical and empowering!